Observations

written 5/24/2008 this is about a friend of mine, and the brilliances I see in him.

 

I like to watch you
moving and smiling with gold in your hair
and eyes like fire: amber and azure.
I like to watch you
when you love people. And in that love,
you tend and take care of them:
speaking slowly, sifting your speech
so you can say just what you mean.
I like to watch you
when you rest, when you sleep,
and the peace and innocence purify your face;
you look like a child.
Although – I’ve never seen a child with a beard.
I like to watch you
when you watch me, except I cannot hold your gaze for long-
I don’t know what secrets my face and eyes are telling you.
They don’t consult me first.
But they do not lie; not to you, never to you.
I like to watch you
when you are with your sister, your little sister.
The one you have taken, though she shares none of your blood.
And you are so gentle with her, that I feel myself stare
and refuse to look away, because what I see
is unique and holy and precious.

Sun Salutation

Written 5/19/08 it’s how I feel when I do yoga for Jesus.  suggestions are welcome.

Savasana
every muscle
stretching and flexing
downward facing dog 
adho mukha svanasana
plank
upward facing dog
urdhva mukha svanasana
over and over
hold the pose breathe
in pranayama
breathe out breathe
in pranayama
breathe out sink deeper
until my bones and sinews groan
with the strain
and I exhaust myself
and maybe I
can give you that exhaustion
as a gift
because I love you and
it’s the best I have

Windows

I wrote this for Jenny, too, because there are odes aplenty to blue eyes and brown eyes, but none for green, like hers.

 

 

Green eyes you have,
green that keep secrets
green that tell stories, haunt and bewitch
I looked in your eyes and wondered
what those eyes saw that mine could not
because mine are merely blue
and surely eyes such as these
hold power of some kind because
I cannot look at them and be unmoved.

Mei Mei

I wanted to write something special for Jenny, and I like to play with the strictures of a Haiku. So here are two just for her.

 

Darling sunflower
unlooked-for little sister
light into my heart

 

 

 

I have watched you weep
tears falling, and I break, too
I hope we can heal

Dinner

Written 5/7/08  I’ve always been fascinated by vampires, and associated myself with them (except I don’t like blood at all). I like to wonder what it would be like, and this is what came to mind.

 

 

I walk the darkly lit streets
looking in windows
staring hungrily at rooms and tables
full of people
they glow in the soft candle light with gilded throats
as they laugh together
and eat together
sating their appetites
tearing the flesh of plants and beasts
with their dull white teeth 
that flash in the golden light
when they smile at each other

The quicksilver moonlight burns into my pale skin
and I have no one to laugh with
to throw back my head as
gushes of giggles escape my throat
and I am hungry too
but my sharp teeth stay behind my bloodless lips
guarding my piteous tongue
that starves for warm flesh

I am a creation of dark and shadow
and have not been invited
into their golden light
with their warm throats flowing
with laughter and red wine
red as my tongue

I used to be
as they are now
warm and shining
with companions all about
and a meal was never far
well roasted flesh of cattle and corn
but now my craving is harder to fill
and I prefer my meat a good deal more rare

My fingers drag slowly down the glass
unless the moon bewitches one of them
for me her child
this is as close as I may get
and I am so hungry
for warmth and flesh
these things they possess in such abundance

do you not think they could
spare some before my mother
leaves the sky and I
return to my marble bed 
to dream of golden light
and warm sweet flesh
firm and gasping between my teeth
and I draw the warmth over my tongue
down my pale throat
and I feel the candle light in my depths
as my veins radiate the heat
through my moonblanched arms and legs
perhaps I will have a companion now
then again
perhaps not
I am very hungry

Screams

I wrote this 5/6/08 to vent during/after an argument, to say the things that didn’t make it into the argument itself.

silent silent silent
she sits
furious and raging

silent hush quiet
don’t you dare speak to me like that
she sits she sits she sits
not my father she says
I am me I am me

Not my dad though we are alike

not my mother either
different different different

She doesn’t understand
she can be a bitch sometimes
she holds her thoughts inside

tight tight tight
not everyone deserves to know them
not everyone is safe to hold them
maybe she is ashamed of them
because they’re not good enough

for you for you for you
they’re not enough
you won’t like them

in her head she defends herself
not aloud
oh of course not
this life thing is new to her too
she hasn’t been here before
never never never

and maybe she is scared
that the mistakes she makes
will ruin it all

Father

Written 3/27/08 I had the phrase, “Let me teach you about strength” stuck in my mind after God said it to me one day, and I wanted to convey what it meant to me.

 

 

Come sweet child,
walk with me.
Come dear child,
sit at my feet.
Come my child
let me teach you about strength.

Watch my hands,
listen to my voice,
see what I do,
let me teach you about strength.

Quiet your mouth,
hear my silence
and do not fear it.
Be silent, my child
and rest.
Absorb my wisdom
trust my judgments
let me teach you
to love me.
Love me my child,
let me teach you about strength.

Autumn Metaphor

 

Written 10/7/07 I walked into church with my mother and sister one sunday and the wind was blowing in the courtyard.  where we sat I could see the leaves blowing around through the window, so I ignored the sermon and wrote this instead.

 

 

the leaves are changing
they’re at it again
green with life fading
yelloworangered
colors of sunset caught in branches

the winds are here
tossing about
to rain or shine, that is the question
clouds glide across the sky
graceful and dignified
too noble to move quickly

the wind, oh the wind
flips my hair across my face
blows it back
tickles and taunts my spirit
my soul
begs me to come out and play

the leaves fall to dance on the ground
skittering with the wind
pirouettes and sashays and arabesques

the choice they make: death in exchange for
freedom and fun
let go of your life
be free in the dance
knowing your time is short
leaping higher than any prima donna

What of the leaves that
cling to the twig?
staying high and green
the shade of illness
do they fear death more
than they crave the dance?
 Is the fall too far?

i want to leave, to fly
in the wind
all I must do is trade in my life
knowing death of some sort awaits

Accusations Refused

Written 4/30/08 This is written at the boyfriend of one of my best friends.   Her life is changing and going in a direction I can’t follow, and sometimes i can’t cope with that too well.

 

 

You are taking her from me,
deny it if you feel better that way;
protest all you wish.
I will hold my tongue at your request.

However it stands,
the truth remains: you
are taking her away from

me

and there is nothing to be done
because I would see her happy
even if I am the price.

Soon you will have a greater need
of her than I do,
and she is color and music to me.

I can see in the curves of your cheek and brow,
in the lines of your lips and eyes,
she is laughter and rest to you.
Soon,
soon she will be your air
and you will be hers in turn
and I am watching as
you breathe my
melodies and rainbows,

watching as
you melt together like coffee and cream
neither left unchanged-

and clear tears leaves my grey eyes
and trail down my pallid cheeks
for you see,
my color is gone.

Missing

Written 4/15/08 God gave me a dream one morning and i thought about it for a day and a half until I wrote this.  I wanted to preserve the feeling that accompanied the dream.

 

I dreamt of you
again last night
twice now that you’ve
overwhelmed my sleeping Mind
a blessing and a warning,
reminder and caution.

I like it when you visit my dreams
a pleasant incubus
that warms my soul
and does not consume it

“Here and gone, my love, here
and gone,”

you fade to vapor
with the rising dawn
I awake with your easy smile
as my first memory
a haunting of
times to come

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